Good Morning Middle America, welcome to your King of Simple News Network, for all the news, that is news, from around the country. “Mostly” real news, the way it should be told.

WASHINGTON D.C. ─ As housing continues to melt down, and the economy continues it’s southerly lean, high level officials are asking the question that is on everyone’s mind; “How the heck are we supposed to get re-elected in the middle of a recession?” President Bush has been rumored to have said, “Where the heck is Greenspan? He told me this housing scam would work.”

In the meantime, Alan Greenspan is tirelessly trying to pedal his new book, “”The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World,” or “How I retired before they found out what I’d done.” In his book, Mr. Greenspan reports that while he was carrying out sound economic practices by lowering interest rates 17 consecutive times in an effort to allow American citizens the opportunity to become hopelessly mired in debt, the Bush administration was acting fiscally naughty.

In a new effort to save the 1% of Americans who control more money than the bottom 90%, large banking and government have proposed a massive fund, “which aims to restore confidence in the financial sector.” Some bankers, however, are wary of plans to launch such an enormous investment for the single purpose of softening the blow of the U.S. subprime meltdown, saying “it could interfere with a market recovery and stall a resolution to the credit crisis.”

The bankers cool reception can be reduced to Mikeronomics as, “Why put the wreck off until after the election; we aren’t running for office.” Or, as Alan Greenspan says, “It was alright when I left; do you want to buy a book?”

In other news, keen sighted Middle Class Americans are focusing on the very real fact that gas, housing, utilities, housing, groceries, housing and ice cream cones are somewhat higher in the part of the country where they are attempting to live, than the reported 2.3% increase in CPI (consumer price index) shown by government math figures.

When asked if he had any regrets about the manner in which CPI calculations were changed during his watch, former president Bill Clinton replied, “I did not have sex with that woman.”

The good news for consumers is that Wal-Mart is expected to partner with Visa and MasterCard to come out with a payment plan for milk and cereal with a low, low introductory interest rate of ½ of 1% for the first 30 seconds, after which it rises to 365% compounded hourly. A plan fully embraced by Alan Greenspan if Wal-Mart will stock his book.

It seems that milk and cereal have seen some upward mobility in their pricing structure, due to the cost of the corn that cows eat and cereal is made of, going higher than a cat’s back. Corn is in huge demand by ethanol producers and they are willing to pay out plenty of good government subsidized money to acquire the entire crop.

Ethanol is necessary to power the new $55,000 flex fuel SUVs and to get votes in Iowa. The move to “green fuel from yellow corn” is highly heralded from both sides of political aisle as nothing short of genius.

This reporter would like to point out that Jack Daniels figured out how to make a combustible liquid from corn a long time ago, but the government at that point, rather than subsidize his production, sent “revenuers” to bust up his plant with an ax and drove the poor man to drink.

While Middle America is struggling to pay the bills; sports headlines read: “A-Rod: A bargain at $300 million.” A spokesman for the “Baseball Players Of America’s Ludicrous And Absurd Salary Association” said, “In these difficult economic times, it’s good to see that peoples’ priorities remain straight.”
Stay tuned to the King of Simple News Network for the latest broken news.